The Long Way 'Round

Dissociative identity disorder.  Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder is characterized by alternating between multiple identities. Often these identities may have unique names, characteristics, mannerisms and voices. People with DID will experience gaps in memory of every day events, personal information and trauma. Women are more likely to be diagnosed, as they more frequently present with acute dissociative symptoms. And so begins my long journey since my last blog entry into a chapter, one of which I am still only beginning to grapple with the magnitude and scope of what lies ahead/before me. So much of this is misunderstood and has been mis-characterized in the media, in print, in the movies and on television. People imagine characters like Sybil or recent shows like the United States of Tara and expect in the same way people think of alcohol and drug rehab as Club Med. Its nothing like that. Given my history of trauma from violence from ph...

Several weeks ago I hit a turning point in my journey. I found myself getting angry to the point of blind rage over the very core of my struggle, namely my identity and my notion of self worth. It was blinding me to compassion, to understanding, to seeing things beyond black and white. It was my therapist that pointed this out to me. In the past, whenever she would hit a sensitive spot, I would not react well. I would become defensive, and feel isolated and misunderstood. Something changed this time around. The words were difficult to absorb, the idea of being so angry as to shut out all reason really made me feel like I had failed. What changed this time around was what I took away from her message. I knew she was right. I knew I needed to change. I also knew that my anger was my way of compensating for trauma I have not yet dealt with. Trauma in of itself is difficult enough to face. Trauma as related to being transgender brings me shame and humiliation, and not at least more ...

Not feeling particularly confident today. Not felt this way in a while... Second time I am meeting a new potential client since I've started living full time. Of course I wasn't expecting rainbows and butterflies, that's not how the real world works. Several weeks ago I went to meet a potential new client. I could tell right away that the project manager seemed somewhat confrontational, almost belligerent. I marshaled on, and met the team who I hit it off with. The project was well within my wheelhouse. Now I've been turned down before for gigs -- usually you get back some line like "we don't think the skill sets match" or "we decided to go with someone else". This client made *certain* to send back this response: "Not Interested" Cold. It just threw me for a loop. I tried to get more detail, but to no avail. I'm not one to just ascribe events to who or what I am. When you grow up Jewish you learn to deflect thi...

Like the pine trees lining the winding road I got a name, I got a name Like the singing bird and the croaking toad I got a name, I got a name And I'm gonna go there free I've Got a Name -Jim Croce I've had my femme name since I was 4-5 years old. It became part of my identity. It does  not  even closely match the name my parents gave to me at birth. Some trans-women choose to feminize their male name. I've never understood that. I wouldn't even be bringing this up except it comes up repeated from friend and acquaintances who have known me as "him". The conversation goes something like this: You could have kept the name 'xxxxx', it is a girls name too now days. That is true, I technically could have… Here is thing though… Transitioning is about more than just changing gender presentation, its about resolving the conflict between societal expectations and one’s true authentic self. If you think about it for a moment, the name we...

Today I found out a friend had passed away this weekend. It was sudden, he died of a stroke. I never had the chance to tell him about my new direction I have taken, about my new life that lies ahead of me. His brother-in-law is a childhood friend of mine. I spoke to my friend for quite some time today. I thought it was my friend's brother that had passed, as I feel close to him as well. As I sit here writing this, its not lost on me how many people have come through my life and have impacted me in one way or another. Yet, I sit with growing anger at my own siblings. I am furious at my close friend who I loved like a brother, and who so easily cut me off and discarded me like a snake sheds its own skin. I so want to forgive the way they have treated me, but I have just been unable to do so of late. Last week was my 8 year anniversary of sobriety and abstinence from addiction. To me that sounds so trite, like some tick mark on the calendar of life. But the sudden loss of my fri...

Last week I went through the motions of legal name change. I have been dreaming about this day for so long, and when the time finally came, it was almost anti-climactic. Whats worse, the stress over the last several days of navigating the endless maze of bullshit required to change name/gender markers across every facet of my existence has left me all but running for the exit. Given all of these stressors, it was no surprise that I awoke terrified from another nightmare. Except this time, it was different. And by that, I mean that my dreams took a new direction, one that I had never experience before. It started out simple enough... I was cleaning up the house, something I often do. Even though I hate housework, I love the feeling of putting things right and of getting the place clean. Somehow, things were just off, something was amiss. Everything had a gritty feel in the dream, as if I was in a time/place that time had passed by. I was carrying some items from my bedroom to the ...

When you get a moment, step into your DeLorean, punch in 1994, and spin up this tune: Toad The Wet Sprocket - Something's Always Wrong I've been harboring anger at a close friend who has been shutting me out of his life, rather abruptly, for reasons I'm not entirely certain of. I believe its a combination of his being a Trump supporter, a good deal of his trans-phobia, and a good dose of his need for anger management. It would be easy to just say "fuck him, I'm done!" >:( But this is no ordinary friend. We've been through too much. He was there unconditionally during my divorce. I was there for him during some incredibly rough times in his life. Truth is though, if I were to be honest, this falling apart of our relationship has been on a slow burn for a long time. I never felt like he really supported me when I was in rehab or during my recovery from addiction. And truth be told, I never did, and still don't feel safe enough to...