A Better Place to Be
'If you want me to come with you, then that's all right with me.
Cause I know I'm going nowhere, and anywhere's a better place to be...
Anywhere's a better place to be.'
-Harry Chapin
Transitioning, as I have been discovering, is so much more than just a check list or a series of steps to get from point A to point B. Were it so simple, were it not so god-damned exhausting! It wasn't that long ago when I can remember wishing for this experience to not be so terrifying. Huh! Be careful what you wish for.
I have made a conscious decision that I am not going to try and rush through this part of the journey, to not treat this as some necessary evil. That has turned into an admission of vulnerability, giving in to intimacy with people whom I care deeply for and love, words that I've never before committed to any form of written expression much less verbalized out loud. That's the terribly high price of physical, emotional and verbal abuse, of a lifetime of trauma and the never ending attempts to course correct and try to take back that which I was robbed of for so long.
So in a sense, expressing my authentic self is much more than just presenting my true gender, because being trapped for so long also entrapped every other part of everything that makes up the very core of my existence. We are, after all, the sum of our parts, and those parts are not neat Playschool blocks that fit nicely into a nice plastic pie shaped container. Oh no, we are a messy, fucked-up wonderful loving pile of authenticity if we no longer allow others to dictate the rules by which we need not live by.
Thing of it is, that means rewriting the scripts in our own brains as well. Its not really fair to have expectations of others when we ourselves aren't ready and willing to face our own obstinate beliefs and prejudices.
2017 proved to be the year in which everything I knew to be right... just wasn't. Not in a bad way either, mind you. Instead, I found I had to throw away all of the scripts, the lenses through which I viewed the world. Admitting that I needed connection was really the only truth I needed to start with, and the rest... well, I just had to have the faith and trust that things would unfold as they were meant to. To trust that other's authenticity would also surface, and that the world, no matter how bleak it may appear (which is itself "fake news"), is really a far better place than we give credit for.
So perhaps the best way to explain transitioning would be... if I do nothing, if I stagnate, I'm going nowhere... but if I move on, if I go anywhere, make any progress, continue to be my true authentic self, well, that's a better place to be.
Here's to you Harry...
Cause I know I'm going nowhere, and anywhere's a better place to be...
Anywhere's a better place to be.'
-Harry Chapin
Transitioning, as I have been discovering, is so much more than just a check list or a series of steps to get from point A to point B. Were it so simple, were it not so god-damned exhausting! It wasn't that long ago when I can remember wishing for this experience to not be so terrifying. Huh! Be careful what you wish for.
I have made a conscious decision that I am not going to try and rush through this part of the journey, to not treat this as some necessary evil. That has turned into an admission of vulnerability, giving in to intimacy with people whom I care deeply for and love, words that I've never before committed to any form of written expression much less verbalized out loud. That's the terribly high price of physical, emotional and verbal abuse, of a lifetime of trauma and the never ending attempts to course correct and try to take back that which I was robbed of for so long.
So in a sense, expressing my authentic self is much more than just presenting my true gender, because being trapped for so long also entrapped every other part of everything that makes up the very core of my existence. We are, after all, the sum of our parts, and those parts are not neat Playschool blocks that fit nicely into a nice plastic pie shaped container. Oh no, we are a messy, fucked-up wonderful loving pile of authenticity if we no longer allow others to dictate the rules by which we need not live by.
Thing of it is, that means rewriting the scripts in our own brains as well. Its not really fair to have expectations of others when we ourselves aren't ready and willing to face our own obstinate beliefs and prejudices.
2017 proved to be the year in which everything I knew to be right... just wasn't. Not in a bad way either, mind you. Instead, I found I had to throw away all of the scripts, the lenses through which I viewed the world. Admitting that I needed connection was really the only truth I needed to start with, and the rest... well, I just had to have the faith and trust that things would unfold as they were meant to. To trust that other's authenticity would also surface, and that the world, no matter how bleak it may appear (which is itself "fake news"), is really a far better place than we give credit for.
So perhaps the best way to explain transitioning would be... if I do nothing, if I stagnate, I'm going nowhere... but if I move on, if I go anywhere, make any progress, continue to be my true authentic self, well, that's a better place to be.
Here's to you Harry...
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