The Long Way 'Round

Today I found out a friend had passed away this weekend. It was sudden, he died of a stroke. I never had the chance to tell him about my new direction I have taken, about my new life that lies ahead of me. His brother-in-law is a childhood friend of mine. I spoke to my friend for quite some time today. I thought it was my friend's brother that had passed, as I feel close to him as well. As I sit here writing this, its not lost on me how many people have come through my life and have impacted me in one way or another. Yet, I sit with growing anger at my own siblings. I am furious at my close friend who I loved like a brother, and who so easily cut me off and discarded me like a snake sheds its own skin. I so want to forgive the way they have treated me, but I have just been unable to do so of late. Last week was my 8 year anniversary of sobriety and abstinence from addiction. To me that sounds so trite, like some tick mark on the calendar of life. But the sudden loss of my fri...

Last week I went through the motions of legal name change. I have been dreaming about this day for so long, and when the time finally came, it was almost anti-climactic. Whats worse, the stress over the last several days of navigating the endless maze of bullshit required to change name/gender markers across every facet of my existence has left me all but running for the exit. Given all of these stressors, it was no surprise that I awoke terrified from another nightmare. Except this time, it was different. And by that, I mean that my dreams took a new direction, one that I had never experience before. It started out simple enough... I was cleaning up the house, something I often do. Even though I hate housework, I love the feeling of putting things right and of getting the place clean. Somehow, things were just off, something was amiss. Everything had a gritty feel in the dream, as if I was in a time/place that time had passed by. I was carrying some items from my bedroom to the ...

When you get a moment, step into your DeLorean, punch in 1994, and spin up this tune: Toad The Wet Sprocket - Something's Always Wrong I've been harboring anger at a close friend who has been shutting me out of his life, rather abruptly, for reasons I'm not entirely certain of. I believe its a combination of his being a Trump supporter, a good deal of his trans-phobia, and a good dose of his need for anger management. It would be easy to just say "fuck him, I'm done!" >:( But this is no ordinary friend. We've been through too much. He was there unconditionally during my divorce. I was there for him during some incredibly rough times in his life. Truth is though, if I were to be honest, this falling apart of our relationship has been on a slow burn for a long time. I never felt like he really supported me when I was in rehab or during my recovery from addiction. And truth be told, I never did, and still don't feel safe enough to...