A rose by any other name...
One of the many items on the checklist towards transitioning is that of legal name change. At the very least, trans women want to shed the male name assigned to us at birth for the name we choose for ourselves that best describes how we see ourselves. Some trans folks may cycle through more than one name before finally settling on name that feels comfortable and "right".
But what about our last name? That all depends... some completely reject anything connected with their past, including the family name they were born with. Others may choose to keep their last name for a variety of reasons.
I suppose for myself I couldn't imagine changing my last name. The reasons were many, and some weren't immediately obvious to me.
On one hand, having been raised by physically and emotionally abusive parents, I could not seem to break free of the shackles that bound me to the family name which I felt I was obligated to. Worse, I felt tremendous guilt abandoning my surname which I share with my son. How ironic, considering that this is such a traditionally and socially 'gender male' idea and concept.
On the other hand, having "come of age" as 'trans' in the 80's, at a time when the only acceptable path was to reject anything to do with one's past, when being "trans enough" meant declaring "fuck anything that ties me to my past", I felt compelled to discard my last name which was causing me such great anguish.
There was a war raging inside of me that could not be quelled. So what does one do when there's a fire raging? Say, isn't that a gas can over there in the corner? Hmmmm...
You see, I also struggled with finding connection with my son. Having (barely) survived a divorce with the Energizer Bunny evil incarnate, and having have had to raise my son almost entirely alone without the support of my family, he pretty much identified (and still identifies) with his mother. So you can imagine that when the one thing that we share together, that he does not share with her, is a common surname, that's kind of hard to walk away from...
But that can't be reason alone to hold onto the name either. I talked to my gender therapist about this at length last week, and I didn't feel like I was any closer to an answer by the end of our session.
So lets maybe take a step back for a moment, back to how I came up with the name of this blog and the domain name I chose.
I am an admittedly avid sci-fi fan. I could give you all kinds of reasons why, not the least of which is that the future tech appeals to the engineer in me. The real reason, at the core of it, wasn't really obvious to me until recently. What is it that a series like Star Trek, Star Wars, and Doctor Who have in common? I mean, once you strip away the obvious techno-babble, the good vs. evil, the aliens/monsters of the week, etc? At its core, as each of the series have progressed, the story lines started to explore the messy parts of what it is to be human, what it is to love, to have self respect, to have purpose. That's what compels us to not just watch, but to become invested in the characters.
When each of these series started, they were so... male gender driven, so misogynistic. Gene Roddenberry, George Lucas, Terrance Dicks, Douglas Adams, all painted a very male dominated universe. But over time that changed. Women became empowered, and even on Doctor Who they took it one step further and broke through the LGBT barrier as well. We now have strong women as leads, whether its Daisy Ridley as Rey in The Last Jedi, Sonequa Martin-Green as Michael Burnham on StarTrek Discovery or Jodie Whittaker as the Thirteenth Doctor in Doctor Who. Yep, it took over 50 years to get there, one might say the long way 'round, but we finally made it.
So here's my point. The gender changed, but the names stayed the same... I was finally able today to put a name on the feelings that have been eating away at me about this whole affair. I don't particular care about my surname one way or another. It's just that it feels like if I change it, I'd be slinking away from my siblings as if in shame, like I don't want to face them. I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with that. My family has spent my entire lifetime trying to shame me for being trans. My parents dragged me from therapist to therapist trying to "fix" me. I suffered decades of trauma and addiction denying my authentic self. My parents refused to let me be part of the family when I started my transition while they were alive. And now my brother and sister have shut me out of their lives. Deny me the right to a surname on their terms?
FUCK NO!! FUCK THEM!!
I'm taking back my agency. This is my transition, and I'll make the decisions. If they feel shame for my choosing to keep my surname when I have my legal name change done, that's on them. This bad wolf girl makes her own choices.
But what about our last name? That all depends... some completely reject anything connected with their past, including the family name they were born with. Others may choose to keep their last name for a variety of reasons.
I suppose for myself I couldn't imagine changing my last name. The reasons were many, and some weren't immediately obvious to me.
On one hand, having been raised by physically and emotionally abusive parents, I could not seem to break free of the shackles that bound me to the family name which I felt I was obligated to. Worse, I felt tremendous guilt abandoning my surname which I share with my son. How ironic, considering that this is such a traditionally and socially 'gender male' idea and concept.
On the other hand, having "come of age" as 'trans' in the 80's, at a time when the only acceptable path was to reject anything to do with one's past, when being "trans enough" meant declaring "fuck anything that ties me to my past", I felt compelled to discard my last name which was causing me such great anguish.
There was a war raging inside of me that could not be quelled. So what does one do when there's a fire raging? Say, isn't that a gas can over there in the corner? Hmmmm...
You see, I also struggled with finding connection with my son. Having (barely) survived a divorce with the Energizer Bunny evil incarnate, and having have had to raise my son almost entirely alone without the support of my family, he pretty much identified (and still identifies) with his mother. So you can imagine that when the one thing that we share together, that he does not share with her, is a common surname, that's kind of hard to walk away from...
But that can't be reason alone to hold onto the name either. I talked to my gender therapist about this at length last week, and I didn't feel like I was any closer to an answer by the end of our session.
So lets maybe take a step back for a moment, back to how I came up with the name of this blog and the domain name I chose.
I am an admittedly avid sci-fi fan. I could give you all kinds of reasons why, not the least of which is that the future tech appeals to the engineer in me. The real reason, at the core of it, wasn't really obvious to me until recently. What is it that a series like Star Trek, Star Wars, and Doctor Who have in common? I mean, once you strip away the obvious techno-babble, the good vs. evil, the aliens/monsters of the week, etc? At its core, as each of the series have progressed, the story lines started to explore the messy parts of what it is to be human, what it is to love, to have self respect, to have purpose. That's what compels us to not just watch, but to become invested in the characters.
When each of these series started, they were so... male gender driven, so misogynistic. Gene Roddenberry, George Lucas, Terrance Dicks, Douglas Adams, all painted a very male dominated universe. But over time that changed. Women became empowered, and even on Doctor Who they took it one step further and broke through the LGBT barrier as well. We now have strong women as leads, whether its Daisy Ridley as Rey in The Last Jedi, Sonequa Martin-Green as Michael Burnham on StarTrek Discovery or Jodie Whittaker as the Thirteenth Doctor in Doctor Who. Yep, it took over 50 years to get there, one might say the long way 'round, but we finally made it.
So here's my point. The gender changed, but the names stayed the same... I was finally able today to put a name on the feelings that have been eating away at me about this whole affair. I don't particular care about my surname one way or another. It's just that it feels like if I change it, I'd be slinking away from my siblings as if in shame, like I don't want to face them. I'll be damned if I'm going to put up with that. My family has spent my entire lifetime trying to shame me for being trans. My parents dragged me from therapist to therapist trying to "fix" me. I suffered decades of trauma and addiction denying my authentic self. My parents refused to let me be part of the family when I started my transition while they were alive. And now my brother and sister have shut me out of their lives. Deny me the right to a surname on their terms?
FUCK NO!! FUCK THEM!!
I'm taking back my agency. This is my transition, and I'll make the decisions. If they feel shame for my choosing to keep my surname when I have my legal name change done, that's on them. This bad wolf girl makes her own choices.
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