Where the rubber hits the road... the hard stuff
I woke up this morning wanting to cry. I certain I'm not the first trans woman who has felt this way during transition, and I'm sure I wont be the last. I am such a mixed bag of emotions right now... anger, frustration, too many to process. I am struggling to find the positive emotions, I just can't draw from that well at the moment...
I am now tackling the toughest part of coming out -- coming out to those whose response / reaction is unknown. And herein does not lie the problem. It was the reaction from a close friend from whom I thought I could draw strength, compassion, and support. I thought she was on board. She has a doctorate in psychiatry, one would imagine that she would be prepared to handle most anything. So to find that I was not welcome this week at their table, and worse, that she used her adult children as a thinly veiled excuse for "not being ready yet" really just upset and infuriated me. I of course said nothing on the phone. I was in shock. I've also learned by now that things that to distort a common phrase "objects in mirror are more distorted than they appear". I don't know what story was unfolding behind her eyes. But here's the thing... at the moment, I needed support, and she was making her problem my problem. This has been the running theme since I have been coming out to people, and I've come to realize that I need to take care or me, not take care of other's and their reactions.
I had a difficult conversation with my brother just prior to speaking with her, and I had wanted to talk to their family. I consider these friend as my adopted family, the people I am perhaps closer to than my own blood relatives with the exception of my own child. Right now I couldn't feel more distant and isolated, more alone.
Then came last night, and another really infuriating conversation with another friend relegating me with his theory about left brain/right brain or female brain/male brain humans and how brain chemistry determines us and sort of fucking bullshit like that... to which I challenged him that a penis does not mean one is destined to play with trucks and watch football, or a vagina to shop and swoon over the members of One Direction. He just didn't fucking get it. So I tried again, asking him to explain me: How is that I could have spent child hood dumpster diving for electronics to take apart and still loved to dress up in feminine attire? Male brain? Female brain? I call bullshit! He still didn't get it! So I tried one more avenue... I told him I was a trans women who didn't hate my penis -- and that there were more trans women who felt comfortable with a penis and didn't care about surgery than he would have been lead to believe. (for the record, I do want, and intend to have SRS, I just don't hate my penis -- my point is that stereotypes are just that -- stereotypes). I asked him, since my being trans is not defined by my having a penis, and I love fashion and engineering, what brain does that make me? At which point, like all people whose theories are shot to shit, he instead decided I was being difficult and insisted he was right instead of discussing the issue, and declared I was getting too "upset" about this. Of course I was getting upset... one more CIS gender asshole telling me what am I/where I am on the gender scale. Fuck no!
Tomorrow I am meeting with someone from the orthodox community (the first person outside of close knit friends) and coming out to them. I will be crossing the "safety" barrier, as there won't be any turning back at this point. He is also well connected worked wise, so this is an important pivot point in my coming out phase. But this is something I must do. I wont be doing this alone, I've asked another friend to join us for lunch for moral support. My friend doesn't know why we are meeting, he probably figures I am looking for something with regards to work.
I am off to electrolysis right now. That's been going, more so than I would have imagined. That's a whole other story, I may talk about that later. I have enough to cry about right now...
I am now tackling the toughest part of coming out -- coming out to those whose response / reaction is unknown. And herein does not lie the problem. It was the reaction from a close friend from whom I thought I could draw strength, compassion, and support. I thought she was on board. She has a doctorate in psychiatry, one would imagine that she would be prepared to handle most anything. So to find that I was not welcome this week at their table, and worse, that she used her adult children as a thinly veiled excuse for "not being ready yet" really just upset and infuriated me. I of course said nothing on the phone. I was in shock. I've also learned by now that things that to distort a common phrase "objects in mirror are more distorted than they appear". I don't know what story was unfolding behind her eyes. But here's the thing... at the moment, I needed support, and she was making her problem my problem. This has been the running theme since I have been coming out to people, and I've come to realize that I need to take care or me, not take care of other's and their reactions.
I had a difficult conversation with my brother just prior to speaking with her, and I had wanted to talk to their family. I consider these friend as my adopted family, the people I am perhaps closer to than my own blood relatives with the exception of my own child. Right now I couldn't feel more distant and isolated, more alone.
Then came last night, and another really infuriating conversation with another friend relegating me with his theory about left brain/right brain or female brain/male brain humans and how brain chemistry determines us and sort of fucking bullshit like that... to which I challenged him that a penis does not mean one is destined to play with trucks and watch football, or a vagina to shop and swoon over the members of One Direction. He just didn't fucking get it. So I tried again, asking him to explain me: How is that I could have spent child hood dumpster diving for electronics to take apart and still loved to dress up in feminine attire? Male brain? Female brain? I call bullshit! He still didn't get it! So I tried one more avenue... I told him I was a trans women who didn't hate my penis -- and that there were more trans women who felt comfortable with a penis and didn't care about surgery than he would have been lead to believe. (for the record, I do want, and intend to have SRS, I just don't hate my penis -- my point is that stereotypes are just that -- stereotypes). I asked him, since my being trans is not defined by my having a penis, and I love fashion and engineering, what brain does that make me? At which point, like all people whose theories are shot to shit, he instead decided I was being difficult and insisted he was right instead of discussing the issue, and declared I was getting too "upset" about this. Of course I was getting upset... one more CIS gender asshole telling me what am I/where I am on the gender scale. Fuck no!
Tomorrow I am meeting with someone from the orthodox community (the first person outside of close knit friends) and coming out to them. I will be crossing the "safety" barrier, as there won't be any turning back at this point. He is also well connected worked wise, so this is an important pivot point in my coming out phase. But this is something I must do. I wont be doing this alone, I've asked another friend to join us for lunch for moral support. My friend doesn't know why we are meeting, he probably figures I am looking for something with regards to work.
I am off to electrolysis right now. That's been going, more so than I would have imagined. That's a whole other story, I may talk about that later. I have enough to cry about right now...
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