I choose a new road....

Today I found out a friend had passed away this weekend. It was sudden, he died of a stroke. I never had the chance to tell him about my new direction I have taken, about my new life that lies ahead of me.

His brother-in-law is a childhood friend of mine. I spoke to my friend for quite some time today. I thought it was my friend's brother that had passed, as I feel close to him as well. As I sit here writing this, its not lost on me how many people have come through my life and have impacted me in one way or another.

Yet, I sit with growing anger at my own siblings. I am furious at my close friend who I loved like a brother, and who so easily cut me off and discarded me like a snake sheds its own skin.

I so want to forgive the way they have treated me, but I have just been unable to do so of late. Last week was my 8 year anniversary of sobriety and abstinence from addiction. To me that sounds so trite, like some tick mark on the calendar of life. But the sudden loss of my friend put things so sharply into perspective. Life is so short and so precious. We dare not waste a moment of it in judgement of others. We cannot afford to withhold compassion from others who may themselves be facing unknown adversity.

I have so much I wanted to say to my friend. I had the chance to see him over the holidays, but I just wasn't up to it. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that we would never speak again. He always showed me kindness and compassion, never an unkind word from him.

Then, my mind wanders back in time, and I think of a young woman I knew from so long ago who struggled with addiction, who I fear has been forever silenced by the overwhelming demons that became the passion play of her haunted existence. I think about her because she always saw me for who I really was no matter how I presented... she saw the woman that dwelled inside me bursting at the seams of shame and pain on the edge of sanity.

I think of all of these people as I continue down a road whose direction is purposeful but whose final destination is uncertain. I struggle with the anger and anguish I am feeling and trying to balance that against the need to live every moment going forward to its fullest and not take for granted anyone in my life past, present or I have yet to meet, or to fritter away a single sunrise or sunset spent in pursuit of assuaging wrongs that may never be righted.

So perhaps I will dedicate this signpost on my quest to my friend in his honor and his name. He so enjoyed the simple things in life, and did not take those things for granted. My friend, we may not have had a chance to have had that last conversation, but at least you got to see your beloved Cubbies take the world series.

Here's to the journey...