Something's Always Wrong...

When you get a moment, step into your DeLorean, punch in 1994, and spin up this tune:

Toad The Wet Sprocket - Something's Always Wrong

I've been harboring anger at a close friend who has been shutting me out of his life, rather abruptly, for reasons I'm not entirely certain of. I believe its a combination of his being a Trump supporter, a good deal of his trans-phobia, and a good dose of his need for anger management.

It would be easy to just say "fuck him, I'm done!" >:(

But this is no ordinary friend. We've been through too much. He was there unconditionally during my divorce. I was there for him during some incredibly rough times in his life.

Truth is though, if I were to be honest, this falling apart of our relationship has been on a slow burn for a long time. I never felt like he really supported me when I was in rehab or during my recovery from addiction. And truth be told, I never did, and still don't feel safe enough to tell him about the trauma and sexual violence that I've endured. In fact, I find his disdain for women more than just troubling... his anger at women is a real problem. I'm not really sure how he sees me.

I mention this song is because of the song seems to be about fractured or uneven relationships.

These lyrics, in particular, really got to me:

Another day I call and never speak

And you would say nothing’s changed at all

And I can’t feel much hope for anything

If I won’t be there to catch you if you fall

Another game of putting things aside

As if we’ll come back to them some time

A brace of hope a pride of innocence

And you would say something has gone wrong

Aren’t these just beautiful, powerful words? The writer is expressing his affection and desire be the comforting presence in another other person’s life, but it’s apparent that the other party keeps pushing him away, not truly paying him much heed or attention, even taking him for granted. I guess in a simpler sense, his love or friendship is unrequited, but the sad thing is that his longing still remains, and by the end of the song, nothing has truly changed or has been resolved for him. This rings so true for many people who have are trying to find a partner, have loved and lost, or have just watched someone drift away without warning or reason. I think what’s worse, especially in the latter case, the changes may be gradual, but the feeling that “something’s always wrong” has been there for a long, long time and weighs heavy (especially on the heart).

I think that’s why, at least to me, this song is so important. I think I have known for so long that in our relationship, that somethings always wrong.

I suppose I could end this blog entry here, but I want to leave with this thought. If it were just this one relationship, it would be something to just ponder. I wish that were true. Reality is much crueler though... I seem to be attracted to this personality type, and my life is littered with these battlefields. It makes me question what the fuck is wrong with me, so maybe the question is not about the relationship(s), but about myself as a person...

Somethings always wrong...

I’m not sure what Glen Phillips had in mind when he penned this, but that’s my take on it.