I've got a name

Like the pine trees lining the winding road
I got a name, I got a name
Like the singing bird and the croaking toad
I got a name, I got a name

And I'm gonna go there free

I've Got a Name
-Jim Croce

I've had my femme name since I was 4-5 years old. It became part of my identity. It does not even closely match the name my parents gave to me at birth.

Some trans-women choose to feminize their male name. I've never understood that. I wouldn't even be bringing this up except it comes up repeated from friend and acquaintances who have known me as "him". The conversation goes something like this:

You could have kept the name 'xxxxx', it is a girls name too now days.

That is true, I technically could have…

Here is thing though…

Transitioning is about more than just changing gender presentation, its about resolving the conflict between societal expectations and one’s true authentic self. If you think about it for a moment, the name we are assigned at birth is not one we choose, but rather one “assigned” to us by our parents (or family if you are named for someone). That’s fine if you are OK with the choice or the gender it may convey, not so much if it represents a lifetime of conflict and pain.

I’ve always hated my name, and perhaps undeservedly so. I don’t know how I came by my name, I’ve had it as long as I can remember. That kind of makes sense, it’s a name that was popular in the 60’s/70’s, the time period of my childhood. In my mind’s eye, it represents who I am, my authentic self.

So to take on a female version of a male name which I spent a lifetime abhorring and resenting would be to continue to suffer, and would literally be trying to force a square peg into a round hole. That makes no sense, as I am trying to resolve conflict, not prolong it.

In that light, I want to re-frame transitioning more as finding… inner peace within myself as it were. We know that throughout Judaeo-Christian lore, through Buddhist, Hindu and other religions, and even in spiritual beliefs, names have such deep and significant meaning… so it makes sense that I would want to choose a name that feels comfortable and matches the inner peace I have sought for so long.

Perhaps that sheds a little bit of light on a decision that bears more weight than anyone from the outside might realize. Perhaps this might give a bit more clarity to the cis-gender world why we reject what would seem so "obvious" to them, but upon reflection is anything but an obvious choice.

I've Got a Name - Jim Croce