My Immortal

Dissociative identity disorder. Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder is characterized by alternating between multiple identities. Often these identities may have unique names, characteristics, mannerisms and voices. People with DID will experience gaps in memory of every day events, personal information and trauma. Women are more likely to be diagnosed, as they more frequently present with acute dissociative symptoms.

And so begins my long journey since my last blog entry into a chapter, one of which I am still only beginning to grapple with the magnitude and scope of what lies ahead/before me. So much of this is misunderstood and has been mis-characterized in the media, in print, in the movies and on television. People imagine characters like Sybil or recent shows like the United States of Tara and expect in the same way people think of alcohol and drug rehab as Club Med. Its nothing like that.

Given my history of trauma from violence from physical and sexual abuse, its actual a testament to the human spirit and adaptability to find a way to survive. That does little, however, to shield me from the feelings of shame and abject horror to find a whole chunk of lifetime that I was not aware existed that I have lived, and continue to live in absence of... "me".

So the question remains... who am "I"? I spent a lifetime asserting that I am a woman... that I am Stacy. I never in my wildest dreams... or nightmares... thought I would have to defend the ramparts that I may be someone else. Or many other "elses". 

There have been consequences from these other parts. I call them splinters, as the term "personalities" is both scientifically incorrect and also demeaning. They are, after all, me in every sense of the word. What I have discovered through therapy and research is that each splinter is a part that evolved as a defense mechanism to protect and defend me from each clear and present danger that represented itself. And to be sure, there were many...

I have identified at this point at least 4 splinters I now know by name and traits, and I know of at least 2 others I can only identify as "individual one" (thank you Michael Cohen and the SDNY). For the purpose of this opening salvo, I will talk about the two most important splinters... Stacy (me?) and Lizzie (also me?).

So why am I listing them both as me? Good question... and the point of this post. I have been struggling with who the main protagonist is in this passion play:

So I am left with two players:

• Stacy: People pleaser, will default to being the quiet one in the room
• Lizzie: Entrepreneur, take charge, protector, doesn't take crap from anyone

I always identified as Stacy, and when Lizzie came to the surface, I was worried that Lizzie would suffocate Stacy. Turns out, I had it wrong... it was Stacy that was getting in the way of Lizzie. 

Here's the thing though. Part of healing from DID is to try and bring some kind of unity to the various parts, at least as I understand it. Maybe there will always be separate components, but a detente? A negotiated peace treaty? Some kind of understanding, or at least a recognition that each part needs the other to (co)exist?

With that background in mind, I always use music to try and elucidate my stream of consciousness... In 2003, Evanescence released a song My Immortal which really stuck with me. Most fans assume the song is about a loved one, a ghost or spirit that haunts someone who cannot let go and cannot continue on with their lives. I would like to propose an alternative meaning, one from a perspective of two splinters who battle to exist, who try to move on, one thinking they can go one without the other. I have some thoughts at the end on this...

I see this as Lizze talking to Stacy...

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave

[My reference to Stacy getting in the way of Lizzie]
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real

[Trauma from childhood and incidents from adulthood too]
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years

[All the years that Lizzie protected Stacy during abuse]
But you still have all of me

[Now Stacy wont let go]

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind

[Other DID splinters that formed and take over]
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

[again, reference to other DID splinters]

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

[Reference to trying to eliminate by any means]
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

[Not even sure how to articulate this...]

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me, me, me

Though I haven't a clue yet how, I believe the key to healing is to resolve the feelings that this song evokes. Yeah, easier said than done, but that's what I once thought about addiction too.

My Immortal Live